A long-running and very popular comedy series developed by the PDL Network; the show centers around the misadventures of a crew of Bwap pirates led by the infamous Bwap pirate Redbelly (played by So-Bebathadebdak; formerly of BBCOnlys' "Heavens, Help Us!") and the crew of the DSV Benevolent Temptress. Most of the comedy centers around the antics of the highly bureaucratic and formal all-Bwap crew as they try (and fail, often with hilarious results) to make a living on the edge of Human Space as cut-throat space pirates. Bosun Slipknott's (played by veteran Bwap actor "Opie" Oopeppae-poa) tagline of "Here are our piracy permits, all in order, yes? Now hand over the loot, please?" has shown up on mugs, t-shirts and other pop-culture apparel. While humans find the show highly amusing, Bwaps don't really understand the humor. So-Bebathadebdak, who plays Redbelly commented: "It is very strange, yes. Where the humor is being found is very indiscernible to me. It was five years before my discovery that the series was humor and not crime drama. But I am not to be turning away the paycheck."
Xpress News Agency
June 1st, 2256
"Long Jake" Abfeta, Editor
My name is Mister Geordi SanDecarlo and I am a small-business owner and member of the community in the city of Mandeville on Copernicus (LHS 266) and have a need to speak my mind. Three months ago a Hiver and its retinue of personal assistants, legal representatives and thuggish Ithklur bodyguards moved into town and set up shop not three doors down from my own establishment along River Promenade.
Now don't think I'm some kind of species-intolerant lowbrow here, my broker's a Bwap, my son dated an upload once, I even employ a bunch of those lazy, good for nothing Catfish at my restaurant even though those terrorist sons of bitches slagged my sister-in-law at Breeden Pass. I don't hold grudges, you know? The Catfish can't help being primitive screwheads, it's just their way.
But this Hiver, it really chaps my fenders. He opens up a multi-use facility in an area zoned for restaurants and the local planning commision doesn't bat an eyelash. The cops tell me that everything is in order, which just tells me the damned starfish is just paying its bribes to the right folk. So I go to the city council with this and they just look at me like I grew a new head.
The Hiver's got sensie rigs, newsfeeds, gaming tables, dancers, the whole shebang going right from the get-go. It's even serving food, it hired away three of my junior chefs and a couple from some of the other folks in the area too. It even stole my Catfish, the ungrateful bitches. Just goes to show that the Chexies don't have any loyalty to anyone.
So this Hiver's stealing away business and really bringing down the neighborhood; lots of slexers and other sorts of human trash hanging out there. I saw some young punk selling dizzies down by the fountain three days ago. Dizzy heads in this neighborhood!
What really gets me is this; the Hiver didn't have to wait for any of this, it just waltzes up and pretty as you please opens up shop. Meanwhile, back in '51, I waited seven months to get my liquor license approved. So I file a complaint and two days later I get a visit from some Ministry of Commerce health inspectors saying somebody filed a complaint about my kitchen. They shut me down for a week while they go over my kitchen with swarms and enough Bwaps to sink a yacht.
Now I wasn't born yesterday, I know what happened. I raised a stunk about our esteeemd guest from the Federation of Allied Sophonts and suddenly I'm an impediment to neighborly relations or something. Well screw them! I'm a League citizen with full voting rights and no infringements on my record. I think I deserve a little more respect from the people I pay taxes to than an audit and a health inspection just because I object to this Hiver scum in my neighborhood with its woo-woo music and its flagrant disregard for its neighbors interests.
Geordi SanDecarlo, Owner Geordi's Gourmand
"Mad in Mandeville"
Dear Mister Geordi SanDecarlo,
First, may I express my greetings and much gratitude in hearing from you in your most recent letter dated 6-1-2256. It is always good to hear from real people and upstanding citizens of the mighty League of Nations of which we all strive to be a greater part of, yes?
Your letter is troubling to my humble sensibilities in many respects. Most prominently, it is indicative of recent stresses felt in communities throughout Human Space, not merely your own. Hiver entrepenuers have been making many inroads in communities on the trailing edge of Human Space. Without exception, all of these business ventures have been made with the tacit support of the Ministry of Oversight, which is managing the outreach program that has enabled these entrepenuers to flourish.
In doing research, we at Xpress News Service have discovered that the Hiver species, which comprises the largest majority member species of the Federation of Allied Sophonts, all have the status of special envoy with full diplomatic immunity. To whit, every Hiver bears with them a writ which serves to provoke instant service from within the League of Nation's mighty bureacracy.
Hence, your new Hiver neighbor needed no permissions from your local polity to establish its business in any manner in which it desired. While this can be vexing for many people in your unfortunate situation, Xpress News Agency has been assured by the highest authority that this is a neccesarry part and parcel of extending to our neighbors in the Federation of Allied Sophonts the courtesy of welcome into the most enlightened nation in the known galaxy.
Thank you again most kindly for your letter and may I wish you a rapid conclusion to your personal difficulties.
New Pabe-peb Foundation,
Ebebwob, A-abkeb, A-pasta.
My Friend you are Bless, yes,
I am Wewebot Seabko, a director of the above mentioned Foundation, yes. I am writing you in regard to a good friend of mine and founder of the New Pabe-peb Foundation, Mr. Walt Roland is a League of Nations citizen from the Greater States of America who was the managing director of an investment firm here in A-pasta. Unfortunately my friend Mr. Walt died in 22247, He established this Foundation to help less privileged minority people in our A-pastaaian society which it was doing before the unfortunate death of its founder.
However I have contacted you because of an account which my late friend Held in a bank, this account held the sum of LN¥13,800,000 only, yes. I was notified by the bank that the Account has remained dormant since his death and no next of kin or mind emulations has come forward to claim these funds hence they will close the account, declare the Funds unserviceable and confiscated to be sent into the bank treasury.
I did notify the relevant embassy to these regards but they wrote me informing me that Late Mr. Walt had no living relation or next of kin who could come forward to claim these funds. That is why I am contacting you now since you have the same last name and is eligible to claim the funds as next of kin according to the banks regulations. The New Pabe-peb Foundation has been suffering from a severe lack of funds since the death of Mr. Walt and as such have not be able to carry out our activities as envisaged by our founder, I ask for your assistance and cooperation to help claim this funds from the bank as you are a Foreigner with the same last name and is qualified to claim the funds as next of kin so that the funds will be repatriated before it is seized by the bank.
It was because of these urgency that I had to contact you since the Foundation here in A-pasta is in a financial mess as even the over 165 Orphan htachlings in our care can't boast now of the better life they sort to find in our care since the death of their benefactor. There will be no difficulty in you claiming these funds since you are Entitled by having the same last name and could easily position as next of kin, the bank will pay in the money into your nominated bank account when we conclude the claim with my assistance in meeting all the banking/legal requirements to prove you the rightful beneficiary, yes.
Once this money is transferred to you 30% will be for your assistance 65% will be for the New Pabe-peb foundation here in A-pasta, while 5% will be for reconciliation of any expenses made during the course of the Transaction. I require your urgent response to my request as we do not have much Time to begin the process of claim before the bank closes the Bank account, yes. Get back to me by email (email@example.com ) and Telephone (+251578849657858846125873). You know how confidential this is, I hope you keep it intact, yes. I look forward to hearing from you soon, yes. Do send across your telephone number and account numbers of banking institution for convenient communication and remain belss as you do so. Much praise to the great Bawapawab for its branches of sheltering, yes.
The Journal of the Travellers' Aid Society Feed Presents: Marhaban, Homeworld of the Bwaps tonight at 9 p.m. Universal Standard Time. Hosted by Nigel Witherspoon with thanks to Pravan Development LLP.
Nigel: Marhaban! Which means "welcome" in many human cultures couldn't be more accurate when describing the lush garden home of Humanity's Friends. I'm Nigel Witherspoon, your guide to the beautiful, verdant and majestic world that gave rise to our closest alien allies, the Bwaps.
Formally called Bawapakerwa-a-a-awapawab, Bwaps thrive in the humid, exotic jungles, rainforests and swamps of Marhaban; known in wawa-pakekeke-wawa as Peka-wapawab-a or "Place of Bountiful Trees" is one of the few natural garden worlds within the boundaries of human space.
I'm here in Asa-akawa-ateba, the human-built city which houses the headquarters of Pravan Development LLP, the company which opened Marhaban for humanity in the early days of the 22nd century. With me is Pravan Development LLP Director of Commerce and Tourism, Leepeele to share with me and our viewers some of Marhaban's majestic wonders.
Tasaba and sebtaa, Leepeele.
Leepeele: Tasaba, Nigel. Thank you for the opportunity. I look forward to enlightening your manifold viewers as to the humble wonders of Marhaban's diverse ecology and historical places.
Nigel: So Asa-akawa-ateba was built for the needs of the human settlers, correct? By Pravan Development LLP?
Leepeele: Yes, Nigel, it was built to suit the human settlers, chiefly it is the only city on Marhaban to not be partially submerged. This was to allow for the comfort of your people, who do not share the bwap preferences for moistness.
Nigel: I notice you call your world Marhaban as well?
Leepeele: That is how most humans know our world, Nigel, so that is how we refer to it when dealing chiefly with humans.
Nigel: What was here before Asa-akawa-ateba?
Leepeele: A barren and rocky outcropping, Nigel.
Nigel: Not very exciting.
Nigel: Do your people typically avoid the higher elevations?
Leepeele: They are not our first choices for growing habitations, but there are always exceptions, Nigel. For instance there are some, I suppose the human word is "monks", who do.
Nigel: Oh, any chance we could meet some?
Leepeele: No. They are very private, Nigel. It would be unseemly to disturb them without prior notice.
Nigel: I wasn't under the impression that your people had any form of truly organized religion, like humans or pachekki do.
Leepeele: This is correct, Nigel. The Wapawab is the closest analogue we have to a human religion, and it is much more like a philosophy and a science than a religion.
Nigel: Can you elaborate on these monks beliefs?
Leepeele: They are very private, Nigel.
Nigel: What can you tell us about the city then? It seems a fascinating blend of bwap and human architectural styles and the gardens are lovely.
Leepeele: This is correct Nigel, the central plaza was originally the heart of the human colonial spaceport and outpost. Its architecture, which dates to the Indian Diaspora still towers over the humbler structures which came later and were built of local materials.
Nigel: Now Leepeele, there's a reason behind the switch right?
Leepeele: Indeed, Nigel, it became apparent to Pravan Development very early that human construction methods did not have harmony with Marhaban.
Leepeele: Harmony, Wapawab, Nigel. They did not fit with the flow of Marhaban's climate and the natural order. They broke down, their systems failed and they died. In short, Nigel, they had no place in the Wapawab. So facing heavy costs, Pravan turned to us to help them build harmonious structures in keeping with the tenets of the Wapawab.
Nigel: I notice there aren't many mansion trees here, Leepeele. Why is that?
Leepeele: They must keep their roots wet, while humans prefer the dry rock beneath their feet or the stilt houses like the Ubuspoolu build.
Leepeele: Literally "stilt house saltwater people", Nigel; sea fish farmers who live on the coasts.
Nigel: Can we go see them?
Leepeele: Of course, Nigel. We can take the riverboat to the mouth of the Saepswoopawaw and see the community which harvests among the nerve coral reefs. They farm sea dragons, ocean salt fruit, pack fish, water tulips, blue plates, Christophers and false jack from among the reefs. From further out they farm tuggle, sawaqua and deep ocean splinter drifts as well as many imported types such as Centauri sea lurks and aquatic mind worm boils.
Nigel: Many of these species aren't native here, Leepeele. Is that correct?
Leepeele: Yes, the Ubuspoolu are more than mere sea farmers; they are adherents and keepers of the Wapawab. Many work for Pravan and Tellus and work diligently evaluating foreign species for their possible inclusion into the aquatic harmony.
Nigel: And they've been doing this for thousands of years, right?
Leepeele: Correct, Nigel, their contributions allowed our society to thrive when the marshland habitats shrank during our last ice age.
Nigel: Well what are we waiting for, Leepeele? When we come back we'll see the famed stilt houses as well as meet a bwap market queen, or Bog Roosh.
The Journal of the Travellers Aid Society Feed Presents: Marhaban, Homeworld of the Bwaps will return after these messages.
Edoaurd Tellus was born into a world of privilege as the grandson of Nobel Prize winning biologist Hiram Tellus. A native of Warsaw, Poland and a prodigy at an early age, Tellus brokered his family fortune into the most successful corporate enterprise in human space. Instrumental in early ecoforming initiatives aimed at restoring the Amazon rainforest on Earth as well as the development of the Antarctic Nation and the development of mankind’s first permanent settlements in space, Tellus himself supported the war effort against the Transhumanists with the development of the Prole parahuman template. In later years, Tellus’ spearheaded initiatives to bring his company’s ecoforming technology to worlds like Mars, Chiron and over two-hundred others in order to make new homes for mankind among the stars and his efforts in xenoarcheaology especially in light of his company’s discovery of Predecessor Ruins in the Antarctic have shaped the League’s development in hundreds of ways. While his public persona as a philanthropist, humanist and entrepreneur is well-documented, his private side is considerably less so. Marred by a series of early tragedies, Edoaurd’s personal relationships were almost entirely unmitigated disasters; characterized by some former associates as a vindictive, cruel and paranoid womanizer, egotist and bigot; Edoaurd Tellus managed Tellus Gmbh through fear and an iron-clad ruthlessness that has gone unmatched since his demise. Married thirteen times, Tellus had only one child whose life he took even a desultory interest in, that being Emerson Tellus, by his third wife. Emerson was to many a vision of hope for the future of Tellus Gmbh; seemingly groomed to inherit his father’s empire, instead it was Emerson who took the fall when the United Nations needed a scapegoat in the wake of the discovery of Tellus’ development of the Prole parahuman despite the UN’s ban on such research. While Edoard Tellus brokered the deal that made Proles part of modern industrial society, Emerson Tellus spent the remainder of his years in relative obscurity. In his later years, Tellus seemed to regret many of his decisions, as well as the course of his life; he established over five-hundred organizations covering a wide range of social services and programs. His treatises on first contact situations and xenology earned him the Nobel Prize in xenology as well as a lifetime membership on the board of Earth’s prestigious Smithsonian Institute. Many conspiracy theorists believe that Edouard had personal dealings with extraterrestrials long before first contact with the Elder Druun, perhaps stretching back as far as the nineteen thirties. Some point to the development of parahumans, the development of artificial gravity based off of exotic matter manipulation as well as the ecoforming process as signs of alien intervention in human technological development. Tellus always scoffed at such nonsense, and simply waved the battered black leather journal he never allowed to leave his person, claiming “you want the truth, you can read it in herer when I’m dead.” Contrary to Tellus’ claims, the journal vanished after his death and has never resurfaced. Edouard Tellus died of massive organ failure after almost one-hundred and thirty nine years of life (greatly extended by treatments and technologies developed by his company) and control of his assets devolved to the board of directors, who have managed it ever since. Of the mysteries that have surrounded Edoaurd Tellus’ life, almost nothing was ever known; his family keeping his secrets even in death.
"Tasaba, my friends and welcome back once more to Cooking Bawapawab! Today we are having a very, very special show for you viewers of this, my feed. My dearest colleague and close personal friend, Poabbet; author of the book Bwap Sushi: The Polite Fusing of Disparate Food Cultures and the Culture of Darke-Ba, and owner of the successful Bwap sushi, or darke-ba, restauraunt Thinly Sliced. Tasaba, Poabbet, tasaba."
"Tasaba and sebtaa to you, as well, learned and financially successful colleague, Sasekweb. It is a distinct honor to have received and accepted your invitation to appear on your show. My tree is fed by your manifold generosity."
"My tree, as well, is fed by your presence here, which enriches us both through amicable collaboration. Now in addition to being a successful restauranter and author, Poabbet is the first Bwap to have ever trained as an itamae, or traditional Nipponese sushi chef; Poabbet trained in Neo-Tokyo, Japan under the esteemed itamae Sato Akira. A grueling and very rewarding, both spiritually and financially, experience of whioch he relates some highlights in his book. A complimentary copy of Bwap Sushi, has been downloaded to all of your personal reader accounts; live audience members may choose to have a copy printed for them an signed by Poabbet at the conclusion of our recording session today."
"Your kindness and generosity is unparalled, my friend."
"Your expressions of gratitude and praise are likewise reciprocated. May I inquire as to what you have brought to share at our humble table today?"
"Well, I have several surprises of a pleasant nature, yes. I am well aware of our mutual shared fondness for fatty pworp, so I would be remiss as a guest were I not to adress this. I purchased these cuts from a very fine market stall dealing in fresh fatty pworp; the color renders it very succulent, yes?"
"Yes indeed, my friend. Camera One, may we get a closer look at this meat slicings? See how it glistens with the oils inherent in the flesh? That is good and fresh fatty pworp."
"Also, in celebration of my penchant for the fusing of Bwap and Nipponese techniques and materials, I have brought some mackerel, yellowtail, squid and a few pickled herring."
"Ah, I can presume by the addition of the pickled herring that you are intending to recreate your famous Viking Roll, yes?"
"Indeed; along with the Humanji flavors, I am including some a-chugga, tuggle, a few sea dragon cutlets, some false jack..."
"Ah, I perceive also several jars of your famous pickled vegetables and crusteceans, yes? I am agog with gustatory anticipations, yes."
"You flatter, my esteemed colleague. Yes, my humble recipies for special pickles will comprise a measure of today's dishes. I also have a few cages of assorted flavoring insects of the sort popular back home. I have prepared in advance the traditional sushi-meshi for the making of the sushi, and have assembled the nori, wasabi, soyu and other common Nipponese ingredients. I have also procured some special treats; avocados, eel, squid plant, rose petals, natto, corn smut, assorted nut meats and condiments."
"This shall be quite the treat; you may begin at your leisure. The corn smut is an unusual choise, I presume this means you are going to be making another of your special treats?"
"Sebtaa, my friend, you presume correctly. For today I will demonstrate examples of all five types of traditional Nipponese sushi as interprested through my own heritage and experiences. We will begin with seven examples of my nigirizushi technique."
"Now you still prepare sushi at Thinly Sliced, yes?"
"Of course, yes. I must continue to set an example for both my students and my junior itamae; innovation also comes to me most when I am preparing food for the consumption of my friends and customers. In addition to my work at Thinly Sliced, I have been performing my art at the behest of Pravan Bahadur, the current chairman of Pravan Development for his annual shareholder meetings. So in honor of the most generous and benevolent Mister Pravan, I present his personal favorite of my creations; my smutto curry roe nigiri; you begin with the sushi-meshi, hand formed like so; in a separate bowl you mix the corn smut and the natto together; the curried roe is applied liberally at this stage and I use some wakame to provide some added texture and flavor to the nigiri."
"This is a stunning thing, Poabbet, truly stunning. May I partake?"
"Of course, I have prepared a sampling of these nigiri right before the show for the audience as well, okaas, okaas."
"Mmmm, yes. Succulent and surprising; smutto has always been a personal favorite of mine since I first had some at Simile's in Jaabtown. The curry and wakame does not overpower the pungency of the natto curds. Truly I can see why Ser Pravan would admire it so much."
"Your kind words embarass me favorably, sebtaa."
"What is next?"
"Next is a simple fatty pworp nigiri; I simply slice the fatty pworp in the proscribed manner; like so."
"Ahh, what is this? I see you have previously scored the flesh?"
"Yes, this is to help release some of the natural oils hidden within the flesh of the fatty pworp; which when combined with the flavor of the wasabi, I think will produce for you a favorable taste."
"Oh, most surprising in a very agreeable manner, Poabbet. What would you recommend to cleanse the palate after the powerful experience of the fatty pworp?"
"I prefer a cup of Gold Star sake, myself."
"But in truth I would suggest some brown rice and kelp tea...and a cup of Gold Star sake."
"Your wit is a gift to all who know you, my friend. What else do you have for our discriminating palates?"
"Well, I was saving this for later, however now is a good time to bring it out; traditional Nipponese miso soup is a nice compliment to a meal; but the taste is not always favorable to Bwap sensibilities, so I like to serve my own specialty, a fermented fish broth with green curry, pickled fish, usually blue plate or tarples, lemon, fresh herbs and gari. Very pungent and stimulating to the senses."
"Very innovative; the flavors and most importantly, the aroma is indeed very stimulating. What are you doing now?"
"Well, I brought some traditional Nipponese unagi, which I have previously pickled in a blend of waaba-, mirin and soyu; in addition I have some pickled Martian red vine and I am preparing some strips of eep flesh; the eep flesh I have previously salted and coated with kakwae brine to preserve the color and help soften the usually tough flesh; I am clearing the spore pods so as not to ruin the naturally musty taste of the eep."
"An interesting choice; many people do not like eep."
"One of my junior itawae, Sasweeb, purchased some and experimented with it one night at Thinly Sliced, it proved to be quite the raging success; initially for the sheer novelty of serving something as questionable as eep to discriminating customers. But soon the flavors caught on themselves, and it is rapidly becoming quite popular among the younger sapients."
"I would be remiss if I did not try a piece for myself. Hmm, very interesting, there is an undercurrent I taste, though. Reminiscent of a-ke-ke?"
"You are a savant of flavors, my esteemed colleague. I have indeed used crushed a-ke-ke in place of the more traditional wasabi paste. I find the slightly acidic quality of the crushed insects to be a better compliment to the eep."
"For the last of the nigirizushi, I have prepared these lovely rainbow we-waba. I simply take the whole insect; glaze the wingcase with some weto and seal the whole together with a band of nori."
"Very pretty, Poabbet. I do not consciously know whether to eat it or put it on display. Truly fabulous."
"Your kind words humble me, friend Sasekweb."
"We must take a very brief break, so that our fine sponsors at Pravan Development LLP may enlighten you with the many fine products they offer; but when we return, Poabbet will continue to entice us with his creations; including my personal favorites, the a-chugga handroll and the Ganeesh roll."
Encapsulated Memory Script technology was introduced as a side-effect of the development of brain-taping technology. The application of lo-resolution .ems files found its footing in the creation of Memory Stamp technology. Memory Stamps became quite popular Memory Stamps serve as non-destructive recording and player mediums for people who want to share memories and knowledge without risk. The human mind receives .ems files through induction feedback and the recorded memories become shallow short-term memories of the user. Individuals with epilepsy, heart conditions or certain affective disorders should avoid using Memory Stamps; consult with your physician. Habitual Memory Stamp users have been known to suffer damage to their own long-term memory as well as some other side effects. Memory Stamp technology was originally applied by Doctor Bing Yaozi in treating patients suffering from anterogade amnesia.
Alaina Keynes-Drummond, author of Suffer a Witch to Live, a comprehensive guide to psychics, psychic phenomena has died at 105 of cancer. Keynes-Drummond's controversial work came to be the heart of the Suppression Movement, a very vocal lobby in current metapolitics. While morally outrageous, Suppression advocates stress non-violence and compassion in dealing with the psychic "problem" and avoid interdict. Pro-psychic advocacy groups like Twist, Psocrates and Covenant have been less than equally tolerant of Suppression advocates and lobby for sanctions and censure in the League senate.
The Lord's Believers (Conclave Christianity)