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September 27th, 2009

New Pabe-peb Foundation,
Ebebwob, A-abkeb, A-pasta.

My Friend you are Bless, yes,  

I am Wewebot Seabko,  a director of the above mentioned Foundation, yes. I am writing you in regard to a good friend of mine and founder of the New Pabe-peb Foundation, Mr. Walt Roland is a League of Nations citizen from the Greater States of America who was the managing director of an investment firm here in A-pasta. Unfortunately my friend Mr. Walt died in 22247, He established this Foundation to help less privileged minority people in our A-pastaaian society which it was doing before the unfortunate death of its founder.

However I have contacted you because of an account which my late friend Held in a bank, this account held the sum of LN¥13,800,000 only, yes. I was notified by the bank that the Account has remained dormant since his death and no next of kin or mind emulations has come forward to claim these funds hence they will close the account, declare the Funds unserviceable and confiscated to be sent into the bank treasury.

I did notify the relevant embassy to these regards but they wrote me informing me that Late Mr. Walt had no living relation or next of kin who could come forward to claim these funds. That is why I am contacting you now since you have the same last name and is eligible to claim the funds as next of kin according to the banks regulations. The New Pabe-peb Foundation has been suffering from a severe lack of funds since the death of Mr. Walt and as such have not be able to carry out our activities as envisaged by our founder, I ask for your assistance and cooperation to help claim this funds from the bank as you are a Foreigner with the same last name and is qualified to claim the funds as next of kin so that the funds will be repatriated before it is seized by the bank.

It was because of these urgency that I had to contact you since the Foundation here in A-pasta is in a financial mess as even the over 165 Orphan htachlings in our care can't boast now of the better life they sort to find in our care since the death of their benefactor. There will be no difficulty in you claiming these funds since you are Entitled by having the same last name and could easily position as next of kin, the bank will pay in the money into your nominated bank account when we conclude the claim with my assistance in meeting all the banking/legal requirements to prove you the rightful beneficiary, yes.

Once this money is transferred to you 30% will be for your assistance 65% will be for the New Pabe-peb foundation here in A-pasta, while 5% will be for reconciliation of any expenses made during the course of the Transaction. I require your urgent response to my request as we do not have much Time to begin the process of claim before the bank closes the Bank account, yes. Get back to me by email (newpabe_peb_foundation@newtmail.com ) and Telephone (+251578849657858846125873). You know how confidential this is, I hope you keep it intact, yes. I look forward to hearing from you soon, yes. Do send across your telephone number and account numbers of banking institution for convenient communication and remain belss as you do so.  Much praise to the great Bawapawab for its branches of sheltering, yes.

Respectably Yours

Wew. Seabko.

Editorial Corner - The Hiver Problem

Editorial Corner
Xpress News Agency
June 1st, 2256

"Long Jake" Abfeta, Editor

Dear Editor,

My name is Mister Geordi SanDecarlo and I am a small-business owner and member of the community in the city of Mandeville on Copernicus (LHS 266) and have a need to speak my mind. Three months ago a Hiver and its retinue of personal assistants, legal representatives and thuggish Ithklur bodyguards moved into town and set up shop not three doors down from my own establishment along River Promenade.

Now don't think I'm some kind of species-intolerant lowbrow here, my broker's a Bwap, my son dated an upload once, I even employ a bunch of those lazy, good for nothing Catfish at my restaurant even though those terrorist sons of bitches slagged my sister-in-law at Breeden Pass. I don't hold grudges, you know? The Catfish can't help being primitive screwheads, it's just their way.

But this Hiver, it really chaps my fenders. He opens up a multi-use facility in an area zoned for restaurants and the local planning commision doesn't bat an eyelash. The cops tell me that everything is in order, which just tells me the damned starfish is just paying its bribes to the right folk. So I go to the city council with this and they just look at me like I grew a new head.

The Hiver's got sensie rigs, newsfeeds, gaming tables, dancers, the whole shebang going right from the get-go. It's even serving food, it hired away three of my junior chefs and a couple from some of the other folks in the area too. It even stole my Catfish, the ungrateful bitches. Just goes to show that the Chexies don't have any loyalty to anyone.

So this Hiver's stealing away business and really bringing down the neighborhood; lots of slexers and other sorts of human trash hanging out there. I saw some young punk selling dizzies down by the fountain three days ago. Dizzy heads in this neighborhood!

What really gets me is this; the Hiver didn't have to wait for any of this, it just waltzes up and pretty as you please opens up shop. Meanwhile, back in '51, I waited seven months to get my liquor license approved. So I file a complaint and two days later I get a visit from some Ministry of Commerce health inspectors saying somebody filed a complaint about my kitchen. They shut me down for a week while they go over my kitchen with swarms and enough Bwaps to sink a yacht.

Now I wasn't born yesterday, I know what happened. I raised a stunk about our esteeemd guest from the Federation of Allied Sophonts and suddenly I'm an impediment to neighborly relations or something. Well screw them! I'm a League citizen with full voting rights and no infringements on my record. I think I deserve a little more respect from the people I pay taxes to than an audit and a health inspection just because I object to this Hiver scum in my neighborhood with its woo-woo music and its flagrant disregard for its neighbors interests.


Geordi SanDecarlo, Owner Geordi's Gourmand
Mad in Mandeville"

Dear Mister Geordi SanDecarlo,

First, may I express my greetings and much gratitude in hearing from you in your most recent letter dated 6-1-2256. It is always good to hear from real people and upstanding citizens of the mighty League of Nations of which we all strive to be a greater part of, yes?

Your letter is troubling to my humble sensibilities in many respects. Most prominently, it is indicative of recent stresses felt in communities throughout Human Space, not merely your own. Hiver entrepenuers have been making many inroads in communities on the trailing edge of Human Space. Without exception, all of these business ventures have been made with the tacit support of the Ministry of Oversight, which is managing the outreach program that has enabled these entrepenuers to flourish.

In doing research, we at Xpress News Service have discovered that the Hiver species, which comprises the largest majority member species of the Federation of Allied Sophonts, all have the status of special envoy with full diplomatic immunity. To whit, every Hiver bears with them a writ which serves to provoke instant service from within the League of Nation's mighty bureacracy.

Hence, your new Hiver neighbor needed no permissions from your local polity to establish its business in any manner in which it desired. While this can be vexing for many people in your unfortunate situation, Xpress News Agency has been assured by the highest authority that this is a neccesarry part and parcel of extending to our neighbors in the Federation of Allied Sophonts the courtesy of welcome into the most enlightened nation in the known galaxy.

Thank you again most kindly for your letter and may I wish you a rapid conclusion to your personal difficulties.